Dec 10, 2019

One Sharper Image Catalog Too Many Two

Feet Don't Fail Me Now

If you like feet, Day 10 is for you. Ten toes, you knows? Three basic categories: Gadgets your feet go into, apparel your feet go into, and things your shoes go on. Also a bonus category: Miscellaneous Feet. Presented in no particular order.

Things you put your feet into/onto, that aren't slippers/socks

  • T.E.N.S. Foot Massager with Infrared Heat ($179.99), p. 24. T.E.N.S. stands for some nonsense I'm not even going to transcribe. "Includes lead cables and T.E.N.S. pads to treat sore arms, legs, back, and other areas." Is this another secret sex thing?
  • I failed to count this as foot-related (or whatever) in my initial tally, but now I see that the Stupid Expensive Chair, a/k/a Human Touch Zero Gravity® 5.0 Massage Chair ($2999.00), p.25, includes a "deluxe foot-and-calf massager," so I guess it goes here. I don't think I want a chair massaging my foot-and-calf, though.
  • Foot and Leg Spa ($169.99), p. 27, "soaks away tension with calf-deep water and hydro jets." HYDRO JETS, ETHEL.
  • Shiatsu Kneading and Rolling Foot Massager ($189.99), p. 28, "perfectly mimics the practiced hands of a professional." M'okay. Looks miserable though. Like one of those shoe-brushers at the golf pro-shop that you wipe your feet through to scrub grass off your cleats before stepping inside... crossed with Darth Vader's mask.
  • Turns out the Human Touch WholeBody ® 7.1 Massage Chair ($1999.00), p. 29, also should count here. It has a "Retractable Foot and Calf Massager." (That's one of the text-clips from the interactive goof I made the other day, in fact.) This one's $1K cheaper despite being 2.1 more, in the model name. Snort.
  • Warming Foot Massager ($59.99), p. 32. This one looks more comfortable in the photo, all fleecy and suede-y, but I bet when you actually get it out of the packaging, it feels more like janky cardboard with thin dog-toy-quality fabrics stapled on. Like the soft interiors of a '91 LeBaron where the plastic clips have all snapped so the bent corners of cardboard are constantly peeling away from the console and even your best friend's dad, the Zone Manager for the whole Southeast, can't make it look good no matter how much he tries, while you're shooting hoops in his driveway. Whoa what just happened here.
  • Shiatsu Foot Massager ($89.99), p. 65. Looks like the T.E.N.S., but the description resembles the S.K.A.R.F.M. "There's no bending. Just have a seat and turn it on with your toe." More sex stuff huh.
  • Shiatsu Dome Foot Massager ($199), p. 26. Pretty sure the Yankees played an exhibition game at the Shiatsu Dome a few years back. Has "built-in airbags that inflate and deflate to compress your tension away." Air Jordans in a black box.

Slippers/Socks

  • Heated Indoor/Outdoor Slippers ($139.99), p. 30. They look like dollar-store puffy slippers. Buy 140 pairs of those instead. And if you wear them outside once, they're not "indoor/outdoor" anymore, buster! Do you know how much time I spend cleaning the floors every week?
  • Heated Slipper Socks ($99.99), p. 64. Nothing to say except a hundred damn dollars for electric socks? (Two-page subhead: "GIFTS UNDER $100." These socks, a head-shaver, a brush with lights in it for some reason, and a mini-fridge for a six pack. "Thanks. I hate it."
  • Copper Infused Compression Socks (2 Pairs) ($39.99), p. 52. Golfers have been falling for this copper nonsense for decades. My dad's wrist had a green ring around it for most of his retirement.
  • Heated Socks ($159.99), p. 31. "Our extra-thin, battery-powered Heated Socks keep feet warm... select one of four POWER LEVELS ..." They made spandex electric socks with microwave controls?
  • Most Comfortable Arch Supporting Indoor/Outdoor Slippers ($59.99), p. 27. They "provide all day comfort and support." (Redacted "yo mama" joke went here. Surely we're above that.) See also the Heated Indoor/Outdoor Slippers: foot-based "indoor/outdoor" apparel becomes outdoor-only, when it goes outside.
  • Also on page 27 (page 27 is three-quarters feet), Hot and Cold Pain Relieving Gel Socks ($49.99). "Microwave or freeze them as needed. Then slip your feet inside." FINALLY, someone explains how socks work. You microwave them and slip your feet inside. "Fits Women up to size 10 (Men up to 8.5)." Sorry, regular men.
  • And if you thought microwave socks were weird: Moisturizing Toe Alignment Socks ($59.99), p. 25. Uh. OK! I mean, does what it says, I guess. "Hand wash only (gel lasts approximately 30-40 washes). One size fits most women." Ahem.

Things your shoes go on

  • Shoe, Boot, and Glove Dryer ($129.99), p. 30. This seems like way too much money but I vaguely remember having snow-soaked boots, when I lived in a place where it snowed, and setting them by the fireplace never quite worked. I'd go for this or something like it if I needed it and it were a third the price listed.
  • Ultraviolet Shoe Deodorizer ($139.99), p. 20. "Powerful UV lights eliminate odors in just 1 to 2 hours." You know where else you can get UV light? ☀️
  • filth

Miscellaneous Feet

  • Plantar Fasciitis Day and Night Relief Kit ($89.99), p. 40. I have nothing humorous to offer regarding this product.
  • Heated Insoles ($99.99), p. 33. The source of the potentially humor-inducing "REMOTE CONTROL" text, in the interactive dealie from the other day. They're Dr. Scholl's, but electric and remote controlled. (Low - 95°, Medium - 113°, High - 131°) That... seems hot to me. "I really enjoy the feet-heat!" ~Regina, probably.

Bonus thing you put your feet on

The Hoverboard ($199.99), p. 73. Doesn't count, I don't think.