Dec 8, 2019

One Sharper Image Catalog Too Many Two

Reviews, reviewed

Do we think the printed reviews are from real people?

"I highly recommend them. My wife can not be happier!"

No. I mean... the kids are just... where do I start? And the job's really eating away at my time the last few quarters. We're getting our clock cleaned by these online guys; I don't know if we'll even be *in* the pool supplies game, in another 18 months. Anyway, I get home and, man, I know I'm not in a great mood and that just spirals in on itself in other ways, around the house. I'm in a foul mood; that puts her in a foul mood; the kids just take off on their bikes - I don't even know where they get dinner most nights.
Needless to say, there's not a lot going on... you know. "At night" or whatever. I usually just put Netflix on; watch whatever's advertised at the top of the list. That way I have something to talk about at work the next day. If it's not a historical drama or something, she's not gonna be interested.
So, TV Wireless Headphones ($99.99) mean I can listen to the tube without bothering her. Which I highly recommend. Given the way things have turned out, there's not really any room to make her any happier than this. No, I think it's safe to say my wife can not be happier.

So that's the first review in the entire catalog -- on the inner cover (a/k/a page 2 - still weird), allegedly from Kendall in Destin FL, re: TV Wireless Headphones ($99.99).

(I guess they're like a band, "We're not THE human league. We're just human league!" "Yeah, and we're just TV Wireless Headphones ($99.99)!")

There's a (male) Kendall in Destin, the internet tells me. He's an insurance exec, and looks like the kind of guy who would not only buy overpriced junk at Sharper Image, but actually go to the website and leave a review.

So okay, maybe the reviews sprinkled throughout the catalog are real?

But okay yeah no. Observe:

fake review screenshot
"It's so soothing but not hot to the touch..."
~ Monica in Rockford, page 24.

different fake review screenshot
"It's so soothing but not hot to the touch..."
~ Tyra in Joliet, back cover.

Rockford. Joliet. Maybe this is just a popular Illinois saying?

"So we go to da stadium an' we get in da line for some vittles an' when we get to da front, da lady sellin' da nachose says to my wife she says 'dat stadium blanket looks real cozy,' an' Sheila says 'oh yah it's real fuzzy and it's got dem little pocket warmers sewn in, da ones dat run on lighter fluid. It's so soothing but not hot to the touch, which as you know is a saying we have ‘round here. Uff da, where’s da nachose!?”

This is getting very abstract.

I was going to put up a bunch of different reviews because they amuse me, but looking at them as a collection they get less funny. They're all sort-of "wow! this product performs the essential function for which it was made! exclamation point!"

On the Frost Free Windshield Covers (Set of 2) ($79.99), p. 63, "I use this every time it snows to avoid cleaning off my windshield."
Yes. It's right there in the name of the thing, Veronica, Aurora CO.

Page 12's Slide and Negative Converter ($159.99) gets this one: "It's easy to set up and use. I was able to convert my old slides!"
Thanks Mike, Everett WA. Super-helpful.

I've been mostly ignoring the kid's toys in this thing but one of the reviews from an alleged grandparent is something like, "The grandkids love [Name of Toy]. They play with it!"

Doormats lay on the ground! Garbage goes in the garbage can! Speakers make noise! Folicle zappers need electricity!


juxtaposed reviews

This is really just a bit of "cropping together" two unrelated entries for potentially-humorous effect, but still... what kind of all-encompassing, 360°, total asshole says "WHAT A ROMANTIC CHRISTMAS GIFT!" about something he bought?

"Probably the most romantic gift ever, some might say, in history! I don't think a lot of people realize that."

Ugh sorry.

There’s another item in here, something that got its own entry last year, that has one of these reviews from a supposed enjoyer. Out of curiosity, I went to a chat app (so lousy I’m embarrassed to name it), and found a room with ~50 people in it. By screenname, roughly half were female. (and it's not a romance-oriented place; catfishing not suspected.) I asked “if you purchased [this kind of product], would you consider leaving a review of it online, even anonymously, under any circumstance?”

Resounding “No!”s carried the day.

"I really enjoy the heat!"


Regina! They claim "Regina" said that! *snickers louder*

Regarding the Travel UV Sanitizing Wand ($79.99), p. 55, that started this whole thing off at the beginning of December, 2018: "I travel often for work and always bring this along to use in my hotel room." - Lenora, Bolingbrook, IL.

It's not... even... praise? "This is a device for hotel rooms that I bring to hotel rooms." Thanks "Lenora." Hey, is that thing so soothing but not hot to the touch, by any chance?