Dec 9, 2019

One Sharper Image Catalog Too Many Two

Bacon... Toaster?

You can't really see too much, inside The Bacon Express Toaster ($59.99), huh? That's a funny angle for a photo, the hinge-eye view. Hardly anything else in the catalog is shot this way, yeah?


(Obviously I don't think this change has anything to do with 1SICTM. But I'd love to see the sales data -- the A/B test between 2018 and 2019. Are they moving more units with this marginally-better product shot?)

(( Also that was a really dumb one. I still like it.))

FYI the 2-page spread that encompasses the Bacon Express Toaster has a sort-of subhead... GIFTS FOR THE CHEF.

The CHEF is also offered the following:

⨁ Premium Innovative Defrosting Tray ($99.99). One hundred goddam dollars. I wrote this last year. Somehow I spaced on the price, then. Astonishing.

⨁ BBQ Grill Light and Fan ($89.99). It's this wobbling triptych of black-plastic spheres - two with 2-cent fans in them, and the center one with a half-cent's worth of LED lights. The quote from "Billy, Benson, MO" is Now I can make my famous BBQ day or night!

He was just bamboozled, 'til now. How on Earth could I possibly ever make my famous BBQ after sundown? It's dark! There's nothing you can do about dark!

"Ethyl! He makes the famous BBQ day or night, by damn!"

⨁ Professional Knife Sharpener ($59.99). It isn't. This is a terrible way to treat your knifes. (Caveat: I'm using the same basic Henckels knifes I got as a housewarming gift 15+ years ago; never subsequently sharpened. It's fine. They're fine. But I've watched that one Alton Brown where he goes to like, a suburban Atlanta lawn-mower repair joint or something, and gets his knives professionally fixed-up.)

Wait. Maybe that place is here. And the Good Eats ep features a mobile sharpener guy? I forget. I'll Altavista it later.

⨁ Stainless Steel Easy Egg Cooker ($49.99). "[S]team up to 7 eggs at a time, without oil."

Who was "steaming" eggs in oil, up to this point?! What kind of nightmare crude-refinery stench fills a kitchen (house?, suburb??), when the CHEF is trying to steam food in OIL!?

Once you get to the far side of the learning curve, making biodiesel is very much like cooking. In fact, a commercial biodiesel production plant shares more in common with a large-scale bakery than a petroleum refinery. There’s organic chemistry involved in baking a cake, but most bakers wouldn’t consider themselves organic chemists.

Okay but seriously. They didn't mean it that way. They tried to (a) say that it steams eggs, and (b) make a health argument - you can cook without fats. They just collapsed those two ideas into one sentence, inartfully. So, carrying on: "You'll get perfect eggs every time, in less time than it takes to boil water."

      Where does the

steam come from

if you don't

boil any water

⨁ One Touch Can Opener ($39.99). I mean, I guess.

⨁ Portable Ice Maker ($199.99). "Perfect for last-minute parties..." which is the only time I've seen one of these in action. At Mom's house, during the gathering after my dad's funeral. Someone brought it over at the last second and it was... unhelpful. The idea that it's going to be overflowing with ice in a matter of minutes is, of course, laughable. "Up to 22 lbs. in 24 hours!" That's less than a pound of ice per hour. Pint's a pound the world around... So you're getting less than a pint-glass amount of ice, every hour. Also you have to keep bringing it water; you can't put 20 lbs of water in the thing.

It's a scam.

⨁ Rechargable Wine Opener with Foil Cutter ($59.99). Like the can opener. $60 for a thing people have been doing with 50-cent devices for decades or longer.

⨁ Illuminating Electric Salt and Pepper Mill Set ($69.99). Features a "luminous light" that "helps you perfectly season" your food. jfc.

"I can see the boy's famous BBQ in the dark!, Ethyl! An' season it perfitly!"